This is a real story, from a close mate of mine, which I have included in my book: How to reborn from the ashes of anorexia. I would like to share with you the prologue.
Hello to everybody, my name is E and I have been suffering from sever anorexia for 11 years. My daily routine has varied from the very beginning; firstly I just reduced the amount of food I ate, then I decided to remove all the carbohydrates and fats; then, as this was nor enough, I started to hide food, in my pockets, under the plate, under the shits, even inside my mouth; but, as this was no enough, I decided to vomit, I started vomiting just once or twice a day and ended vomiting four times a day; however, as this was not enough I started to take pills, to cause myself to suffer extreme diarrhea and to pee constantly; finally, as this was not enough, I started to practice sport, more that three hours a day and I prevented myself from sleeping.
So, now, that I have done the worst of myself, that I have ended with my body and my soul, that I feel and see all the destruction caused by this hell on earth, I find myself on the edge of death, and I have come through a question why? Why am I causing myself this? Why am I forcing my relatives and friends to see my own destruction? Am I more beautiful? Am I wisher? Am I more successful? Do I have marvellous job, thousands of men pleading for my love? Am I more outgoing? Am I happier? Am I healthier or fitter?
1.- Why? Because I was perfectionist, I had to have the best grades and I had to have the best image, I did not have friends and I was not very popular because I dedicated most of my time to the studies, so I thought that, if I became thinner everybody would come closer to me. It was something very complicated, to suffer from hunger and thirst; it was a new challenge that I had to overcome. I was also a very depressive girl and I thought this would make me popular and happier.
The reality: I lost any opportunity to gain popularity, I lost even the friends I already had and I became more miserable and depressed; the initial idea of making myself happier changed into an irrational desire of harming myself, and I even started to make myself cuts and bruises to auto-punish me.
2.- Why am I forcing my relatives to see my own destruction? At the end this illness is something one cannot hide, I thought that my parents exaggerated the reality, that they were my enemies trying to make a seal out of me, that they were overprotecting me.
The reality: I have seen my mother praying for me, crying at night; she feels powerless and feels that she has been a bad mother. I have seen my sister crying of fear because she afraid I could die at any moment; her friends asking her if I had cancer of leukaemia and she denying and trying to change the topic. My neighbours glancing at me and nodding with contempt.
The pride my relatives felt changed into embarrassment and fear.
3.- Am I more beautiful? Let me think: My bones are visible through all my body, I have lost hair and my teeth are horrible. My nails are yellow, I have deep, black, yellow eyelashes. I have ulcer on my face, my skin is full of eccemas because of dehydration. The hair on my face and arms has grown bigger. The flesh on my legs, arms and buttocks is flabby because of the muscle lost. My skin is yellow because of the malfunctioning of my kidneys and liver. My breath smells terrible because my stomach and entrails malfunction. My breasts have nearly disappeared and I have no curves at all, just bones.
How was I before? I had long blonde hair, glimmering blue eyes, with soft white skin, lots of curves, big breasts and perfect teeth. Do I look nicer now? I my depths I know that I worst but, I just cannot stop feeling that I need to the slimmest as possible, is that rational? I do not think so.
4.- am I wisher? I have memory losses, I have problems to concentrate, before on my studies and now on my job. I get fatigued even after reading a short novel. I wanted to study and do lots of things, now I am lucky to have what I have and I pray not to loose it.
5.- Am I more outgoing? I am so depressed that and fairly go outside home, I am so obsessed with food that I fear to eat in front of other people, I wear baggy clothes to hide myself, I do not speak by phone or by internet, I have no boyfriend, no friends, people just avoids me.
6.- Am I happier? I feel so miserable that, the only thing that prevents me from committing suicide is the pain I could cause to my relatives.
7.- Am I healthier or fitter? My intestine has lost all its intestinal bacteria so I have constant diarrheas and constipation. My kidneys malfunction so I have constant cystitis. I have tachycardia and breathing problems, I cannot even face a stair without trembling. I feel constant cold. My belly and stomach ache with pain. I have ulcer inside my mouth and my teeth are so think that ache constantly. I cannot sleep properly because. I have bruises because of my skinny shape. I have lost my menstruation and would not probably be able to have children. I cannot get sexually excited. I have arthritis. I have become hyperactive and cannot rest…
At this point I have thought, is this worth a living? I do not think so, and, I have decided to start my recovery. I have stopped taking pills and vomiting, and I have started to eat more or less. My first goal is to reach the minimum weigh to avoid crib death, which means gaining ten kilos. From now on I will be sharing my progress with you, my physical and psychological progress; as well my progress in business life and social relationships, would you like to accompany me?